A story about freeing the elephant in the room
“Are you free to talk on the phone at some point today? I need to have a conversation 1:1 if you’re open to it.”
I hit send and noticed the butterflies in my stomach beginning to flutter.
“Sure, now is good if you’re free.” Instant reply.
I put in my headphones and clicked my older sister’s number on my phone. Butterflies. Butterflies. Fear. Hope. Possibility.
“Hello?”
After a minute or two of pleasantries, I took a deep breath and leaped up and away from the land of comfortable lies. Emotion gripped my voice, yet I let it out, I let it through, words shaking, heart steady and strong –
I love you. I care about you. I want to have a caring relationship with you – and a caring relationship doesn’t mean that there’s never conflict or challenge. When you called me names last time we saw each other, I felt really hurt. Words can be weapons. In our family, I’ve noticed this pattern where one person gets hotheaded, blasts the heat, and then we’ll all just brush it under the rug and ‘go back to normal.’ I can’t do that. There are no relationships in my life where I’m available for abusive dialogue. I love you, and I care about you – and I want to continue relating together with caring communication. If you aren’t able to agree to that, I understand – but I will no longer be available to relate with you until that agreement is honored.
In the next moment, my sister and I are both crying. Not a sad cry or a helpless cry, or the type of tears that masks another feeling. These were tears of release, relief, like finally letting go of the beachball we both tried so hard to hold under water.
We breathe.
She sincerely apologizes.
I’m so sorry. I don’t want that either. I didn’t feel heard and I got angry and triggered and went into an old pattern. I’m working through so much right now – it’s a lot. It is a family pattern, just brushing things under the rug and it’s not working. I don’t want to go into name calling. I also really want to be heard and seen. It’s hard. These conversations are hard, yet I’m so glad you called me. I’m so sorry.
We continued to speak and share and have the first honest conversation we’ve had in weeks. We both acknowledged that change and growth is a process, and unwinding patterns and learned dynamics doesn’t happen overnight. We acknowledged larger family dynamics, ancestral patterns, that still show up and aren’t working – yet also celebrated the health of having the conversation and starting where we are. Doing what’s doable. Taking part in our part. Individually and together.
Here’s what I’ve learned about healing work – it’s less about making something magically ‘go away’ and more about pattern recognition. No matter how uncomfortable it becomes, I know I’m making progress when I move from a perception of “that’s just the way things are” to I have a choice here. I get to choose.
I get to choose the kind of communication that I’m available for and not available for.
I get to choose whether I’m willing to let things fester under the rug … or not.
I get to choose running away, keeping busy, staying quiet … or addressing the elephant in the room.
I see my younger self, my sweet adolescent self – and the survival pattern I’ve had of flying up, up, up, and away. Locking myself in my bedroom, away from the yelling. I am an adult now, and my adult self is speaking up for the younger me who didn’t realize she had a choice, that there are other ways of being with one another. It doesn’t always have to be a severing. Sometimes that’s the most loving choice to make, sometimes it’s not. You get to choose.
Deep breath.
After having this conversation with my older sister, I feel a huge sigh of relief. Not just for what’s possible in our relationship, but for the whole world. Ram Dass once said, “if you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” And at a time on the planet when so many of us are in collective quarantine at home with family, there may be opportunity here. And there might not be, in the moment, the capacity to acknowledge that opportunity – and that’s okay too.
There are a lot of questions we, the world at large, are currently facing. Collective questions on where things will go from here, how things will change, how things won’t change, all the things. While we don’t know what’s going to happen a week from now, a month from now, a year from now – we CAN and DO have choice in what we’re willing to acknowledge today.
You may not be in a place where it’s time for a conversation. You may be gathering, Resting, Tending. Caring. Soothing. Trust the timing. There is no rush.
This conversation with my older sister wasn’t a moment too late or a moment too soon. I feel better equipped to meet our communication – and all communication in my life by honoring what’s here and now – and this starts by becoming more aware of what I find myself attempting to suppress or avoid.
Wherever you are at today, may you remember you have a choice. A choice to recognize patterns. The changing world begins within – it begins with us. I believe in you. I believe in us. I believe in a future where violent name calling is acknowledged as both barbaric and archaic. I believe in a communication culture of care.
Love,
Madeline
PS: If you're seeking 1:1 assistance in recognizing and changing the patterns in your life, I invite you to apply for 1:1 Mentorship. You can apply here.
