How negative feedback became my greatest teacher

This upcoming January is the 10-year anniversary of Angelic Breath Healing! Today I'm called to give voice to one of the core values that is the bedrock of my business…a value that keeps me in necessary check, again and again.

Values are the subtle body of a business — they serve as sacred, often unseen ground through which the heart of the business emerges. Values are resourced to meet every kind of weather, and while events may shake the foundation through which the vocational expression emerges, values — at their core — are shapeable yet unbreakable.

The bedrock of my business, this core value is Integrity.

There is no quick fix, no hack, no shortcut to Integrity. Integrity is speaking and acting with honesty, and this honesty begins within. In a world where anyone can declare themselves an expert and exploit advanced practices into a flashy 30-second reel, Integrity cannot be named and claimed as a finite destination where one has arrived. It can never be mastered. Integrity is an ongoing practice.

Practicing Integrity is not about being a flawless angel who never makes mistakes and always says and does the right thing. Human beings learn through contrast, and like any muscle, Integrity can strengthen through mistakes and crises if you have the courage and capacity to take full responsibility…although it can take time, time, timmmme. Integrity is in it for the long game.

When I first started offering Angelic Breath Healing classes, word spread quickly, and my weekly in-person classes became jam-packed and sold out in a short amount of time. (Shout out to anyone who attended weekly classes at The Quest!) The feedback I received inspired me to continue — to keep showing up and centering service.

After over a year of offering weekly classes, an acquaintance attended my class for the first time. When we talked after class, she seemed simultaneously wide-eyed and guarded. She shared a few kind words with me, then we hugged, and she left.

Two days later, I received an email from her. She shared how the intensity of the breath opened up a wellspring of trauma for her, that she had a panic attack when she got home that night and was thankfully able to connect with a family member who helped her through it. She lovingly yet firmly shared that it would've been helpful to have a disclaimer about the breath's effects on those with PTSD, particularly in a group setting.

My stomach dropped at that email. It didn't matter that she was 1 out of 1,000 people who had offered me this feedback; I trusted she was a courageous voice within the whole, acting in her own Integrity, and I wasn't going to brush her words aside as a one-off incident. If she had this experience, so could someone else.

I spiraled into deep reflection: do I continue teaching? Is it irresponsible to teach breathwork? Is what I'm offering harmful? I reached out to colleagues and mentors about this and received generic answers that seemed to speak to a population more than an individual.

This woman's experience served as a necessary crack in the foundation of my business. It called me deeper, it humbled me, and it ultimately catalyzed necessary and challenging change that wasn't fast, that wasn't a quick-fix, that wasn't simple.

Without wanting to sound dramatic, over the months that followed this feedback, my life fell apart. I left a teacher and community I'd been steadfastly devoted to for years after learning of behavior going on behind the scenes that didn't align with my values. This teacher and community had been a source of coddling for me; if I just showed up to class and did my spiritual practice, I was good, I was on the right path, I was doing it right. But it wasn't honest for me to stay when I knew harm was perpetuated behind the flashing lights of the stage.

Even though walking away felt resoundingly resonant within my heart, it brought me to my knees. I became exiled from all that once gave me a sense of safety, steadiness, and belonging.

Little did I know that all that was falling apart and falling away was actually Integrity's caress calling me closer. Integrity lovingly but firmly said: Madeline, you value perpetuating no harm. And that unbreakable value carried me through this difficult time. 

I continued to teach, but began to offer options to opt-out — to pause. Some breathwork teachers would tell me that's wrong, that it's important to STAY WITH THE BREATH because that is what catalyzes change. I respectfully disagree.

This person's experience eventually called me to train and practice trauma-informed care. She taught me to meet the body in front of me rather than lead with a prescriptive practice that is not one-size-fits-all. How could it be when our bodies are all beautifully different?

**

I am still learning (and have so much to learn). I am still training (and will continue to train), and I continue to make mistakes that unintentionally cause harm to some people. I want to be clear that today's letter is not an attempt to prove how “in Integrity” I am. I flail, I fall, and sometimes I hide. I question and reflect on my words and actions more than is probably healthy. 

Yet through it all, my earnest attempt to remain in Integrity with my value of perpetuating no harm stayed with me. Integrity has met me and quietly guided my way.

Integrity is my true mentor, my true teacher. Integrity has led me to practitioners — and then guided me away, even when everything in me said: I'm supposed to stay in devotion to this teacher and practice forever. Integrity is truer than man-made rules, and once again: Integrity is in it for the long game. It is a practice that I learn and relearn as life challenges me eternally towards evolution and growth.

As I near this 10-year anniversary of sharing Angelic Breath Healing classes, I pray that Integrity will guide me through the next ten years, and the next.

I am grateful to the acquaintance who came to my class nine years ago and unknowingly called me deeper. If Integrity can take form in myriad ways in the physical world, I intend to continue paying attention to the messages and messengers.

In what ways is Integrity calling you closer through your life, through our world today? What shapeable yet unbreakable values at your core are asking you to meet them through your words and actions?

With love,
Madeline