How to communicate with courage.

Six years ago, while immersed in an intensive lab at the culmination of my Master’s degree in spiritual psychology…I needed help.

My education involved both counseling others and receiving counseling on personal concerns, upsets, and issues, and on this particular day, I needed to receive skilled reflection on a difficult relationship where I felt burned by the other person.

When I asked how to move forward, my teacher Mary—who embodies integrity, compassion, and usually quite gentle care—had three piercing words for me:

Grow a backbone.

She advised me to review the skill “Receiving Feedback Effectively” and suggested I read the book Your Perfect Right.

I don’t know what I was expecting to receive from my teacher’s reflection — yet hearing grow a backbone cut to the core. While it may sound like harsh feedback, in that moment, it helped me pivot into a new, more empowering pattern.

When reviewing “Receiving Feedback Effectively,” I remembered how important it is to separate information from the energy it’s riding on.

In other words, if I feel emotionally triggered by someone else’s words or behavior, I can detach those emotions from the experience and view them separately. Rather than deny or suppress my emotions, this process honors the emotion that’s triggered by clearly identifying it and giving it a name. The other person may not intend to hurt me, so by separating my emotion from their words and actions, “You hurt me!” turns into, “I felt hurt when you ______.” I can communicate what’s true for me without blaming or shaming the other person, which opens a space for them to share what’s true for them as well.

Supported with this skill, I decided to reach out to the person I was having trouble with and initiate a conversation in which there was space for both of us to share our experience and see if repair was possible.

It felt so uncomfortable to initiate this dialogue - I was butterfly-in-my-stomach nervous. Yet, once the conversation started, I felt a tangible sense of relief voicing my experience of their behavior.

While we engaged in an honest conversation, at the end of our conversation, it became clear to me that even with our truth telling I felt my trust had been broken, and I chose to complete the connection with them. While the end result was the same as I initially anticipated (no longer having this person in my life), initiating this conversation helped to neutralize the emotional trigger around it. When choosing to complete the connection with this person, it wasn’t coming from a place of I’m right, they’re wrong. It felt like a discerning action that honored my core values.

For me in that instance, “growing a backbone” meant choosing the hard thing: having a conversation with this person when every part of me wanted to just move on and avoid conflict by cutting them out of my life. It meant strengthening my communication skills — especially when my voice shakes and I’m concerned about getting it wrong. It meant taking things less personally and strengthening my ability to separate the information from the energy it’s riding on.

Important note: Sometimes, taking space and completing a connection without further dialogue is the healthiest (and safest) thing to do. In this situation, while it was highly uncomfortable to initiate this dialogue and see if the other person was open to it, there wasn’t a threat to my safety or well-being.

This experience steadily nourished a new beginning for me, and participating in uncomfortable conversations has become the norm for me over the past 5+ years. It’s melted a long-standing freeze in my nervous system that defaulted to fawning (people pleasing) or collapse (disengaging, disappearing) in the presence of interpersonal conflict and disagreement.

This also continues to be a growth edge for me. I’ve learned a lot and feel much stronger within myself — and I still come up against places where it feels much easier to default into the old pattern of avoiding conflict almost every day.

I also want to clarify that “growing a backbone” doesn’t always mean initiating or participating in a challenging conversation. Growing a backbone is synonymous with integrity and discernment. Sometimes, taking space and completing a connection without further dialogue is the healthiest thing to do. I’ve learned that growing a backbone invites me to lean into courage rather than default to the comfortable familiarity of disempowering habitual behaviors or fail to create boundaries around my time, space, and energy.

My discomfort and triggers can serve as doorways to deepen within myself - sometimes the hard yet true thing is initiating or participating in a conversation. Other times, it's knowing when to take space and move on.

If you want to grow your communication capacities, I honor your courage!! Here are a few things that have been a tremendous support to me:

Where to start: Spend solo time journaling

Around the same time my teacher told me to grow a backbone, I somehow stumbled upon Elizabeth DiAlto’s “Courageous Conversations” process included in her book Untame Yourself. I have used her journaling prompts and communication outline to help me organize my feelings and thoughts before countless conversations. In the process, she suggests starting with pre-conversation journaling to get clear on how you’re really feeling before approaching someone.

You might start with an inquiry like…how am I actually feeling? What about this situation/behavior is not okay with me?

Because writing/journaling can serve as both a self-regulation and discharging resource (meaning it can nourish your nervous system while providing an emotional release), giving yourself space and time to land into how you’re actually feeling assists with inwardly separating the information from the energy it’s riding on. It will assist you in giving your feelings valid space, and it can help you process some of the feelings so when you show up to a conversation, you’re clear on what’s not okay and the requests you’d like to make.

How to Deepen: Nervous system nourishment

Our nervous systems are all wired uniquely based on early childhood experiences. Conflicts can be triggering, and it can be tremendously helpful to spend a bit of time attuning to your body and resourcing. The SCOPE sequence from Somatic Experiencing is a short sequence that leads you through 5 small exercises to grow stabilization in the midst of crisis and challenge. Here is a chart that walks you through it.

Prayer

Ask for spiritual assistance simply by sharing what’s on your heart, what you’re mad about, sad about, and anticipating, either silently or out loud. Share what’s raw, real, and true for you. Your requests don’t need to be complicated; a simple, “Please help with ____,” is a powerful prayer. Prayer can also serve as support for finding practitioners who are the right fit for you. As I frequently remind myself, the Divine knows EVERYONE.

invest in 1:1 Mentorship

Courageous communication is something I frequently assist many of my clients with, offering both somatic attunement and practical skills that assist with growing capacity for courageous conversations. This can serve as a skill and gift that continues integrating for years to come. You can learn more about working together 1:1 here.

Remember: it’s okay to go slow

I’m writing this newsletter after 6+ years of steadily practicing this. I’m not saying you have to do the same thing, and remember that winter doesn’t become midsummer overnight. One of my favorite quotes by J.R.R. Tolkien is “Little by little, one travels far.” What’s the littlest thing you can engage with right now towards courageous communication? It might start with simply imagining that it’s possible.

I believe courageous and compassionate communication is a bridge from a world of war to a world of care. Learning these skills can pave a path from disempowerment to freedom, both in the world around you and in your own life. Imagine a world in which the majority of people communicate compassionately! How might you begin nourishing this in your world here and now? Encouragement to practice it, one conversation at a time.

with love,
Madeline